Has your sex life fizzled? Whether you’ve been married for decades or are in a new relationship, Dr. Phil’s tips can help you spice things up in the bedroom … or somewhere else for that matter!
1. Diagnose the problem.
Examine your lifestyle and make sure that you are carving out time to have sex with your partner. Sexuality is a pattern, something that needs to happen on an ongoing basis or else other things will crowd it out. It’s about behaving your way to success. Like the old adage: Use it or lose it.
2. Figure out how sex got moved down the priority list.
One of the biggest mistakes that couples make is that when they become moms and dads they stop being friends and lovers. Being a parent is just one of the roles that you play, and neglecting the role of partner and lover is a huge mistake. Or, maybe you need to spend less time at the office or learn to say no to other commitments so you can make more time for and give more attention to intimacy.
3. Put your sex life on “project status.”
Make a conscious decision to recommit to each other and move sex higher on the priority list. Physical intimacy in a relationship deserves a lot of attention. You can start by making small changes. Put your kids to bed earlier, don’t fall asleep on the couch solo, and go to bed at the same time as your partner.
4. Acknowledge your role.
Ask yourself what you might or might not be doing to contribute to the situation, and what you can do to change things. This does not mean it’s your fault, but you do play a role. For example, men are visually stimulated, so look in the mirror and consider if you should make small changes, like fixing your hair, losing the weight you’ve been complaining about, or dressing sexier.
5.Give yourself permission to get what you want.
Claim your right and give a voice to your needs. Being sexually satisfied and feeling wanted by your partner is a legitimate and healthy part of a relationship.
6. Talk to your partner.
Remember to be sensitive when bringing up the subject and pick an appropriate time — not when you are in the middle of an argument. Your husband may resist the conversation because there may be underlying issues such as stress, depression or medication that are interfering with his sex drive, but be supportive. If he is reluctant to be open about it, encourage him to look within himself in order to gain insight into his issues. If all else fails, ask him to participate in one session of couple’s therapy so you can start acknowledging the problem and making changes.
7. Stop complaining.
Instead of complaining about what you’re not getting, start creating what you want. Women tend to take marital problems very personally, and consequently feel sorry for themselves. You are not a victim; you are an adult who can work through this problem.
8. Get creative with your sex life.
Find new ways to put some fun, energy and excitement into your relationship. Have sex in different rooms of the house. Try different positions. Don’t feel shame or fear when asking for what you want. Give yourself permission to explore each other’s fantasies.
9. Be patient.
Turn toward your partner — not away toward anyone else — so you can come up with a plan together that you both agree on, are excited about, and will put it into action.